Right to Be Wrong - iJigg.com

Right to Be Wrong - iJigg.com

Posted using ShareThis

"Emotional Battlefield"

Where is the woman I used to know?

The woman that existed before the big blow?

She lives deep inside and yearns to escape

But emotional chains keep changing her shape

How does she achieve the quaint inner peace

When the workings of her head refuse to cease

She lays still in the night, heart racing in pain

While tears flood her eyes, and all hope has refrained

In the quiet of night, so much can be heard

The uncertainties knocking, voicing many harsh words

Yet still no answers from her God or herself

Just endless hours of fearful doubts

Her thoughts and fears remove all air

And breathing new life is harder to bare

Her chest remains tight, longing for release

But instead she is granted another painful piece...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(more to come...)

Oh, and this is about a friend, not me of course! ;)

What’s That You Say? Pay to Pee?: A Memoir

How was my first trip over the Atlantic Ocean, you ask? Well, I can sum the entire trip up in one word; fascinating. Fascinating in many ways. Lets start by explaining where my country of choice was and how that choice was made. Previous to this overseas vacation I had only been to Jamaica and a Southern Caribbean cruise, which felt as though they were the exact same trip. Both consisted of tropical foliage as far as the eye can see, crystal clear blue waters, friendly and shady locals selling tourists armfuls of handmade products, and taxi rides that will make ones fingernail sound like a perfect afternoon snack. Most people can think of a place they dream of going like; Italy, Spain, Alaska, Japan or maybe even the North Pole in hopes to see little elves making toys. Regardless of which country, state or city a person dreams of visiting, if given the opportunity to go anywhere they would most likely choose that dream destination.

Speaking of dream destinations you are probably curious of what my dream destination is, right? Well, it is Ireland. Where did I go for my first trip over the Atlantic? Amsterdam, a place I thought only readers of High Times went for their once-in-a-lifetime dream vacation, but apparently I was wrong. So, how did I end up on a plane headed to Amsterdam instead of Ireland? Well, lets just say I know a few of those High Times readers that thought Amsterdam would be the perfect honeymoon getaway, and to my surprise they wanted a few friends to join them. Within 24 hours my airline ticket, hotel, and Eurail train tickets were purchased and it was official; I was headed to Amsterdam and was completely unaware of what I had gotten myself into.

Departure Day. The alarm sounds, obnoxiously as I grunt under my breath to express a sign of displeasure from the screaming noise coming from the nightstand next to my ear. Still half asleep with barely one eye open and a bedroom only lit by the moon peering through cracks in the blinds, I turn off the alarm and sit on the edge of the bed. Now I begin rubbing my cheeks with both hands as fast as possible in hopes that my face will awake and the rest of my body will follow suit. The flight takes off around 6 a.m. which means arrival at the airport needed to be at approximately 4:30 a.m. In other words, the alarm went off entirely to early for a non-morning person, me. All packed and ready to go I am greeted by the honeymooners, my brother, two long-time friends (married), and my husband at the time. Off we go to begin our overseas adventure!

Arrival in New York. The adventure starts with a flight to New York City, then a six hour layover. Six hours in an airport? Not with this spontaneous group. A unanomous vote to leave the airport and tour the city was enacted, and off we went searching for a subway. No, not the sandwich shop as I am sure you are thinking, but a public transit system used in cities and countries with dense populations around the globe. As for Texans, we are not very familiar with this contraption, well besides what had been read in books or seen on television, or when the local news informed the city that a “plan” to add a rail system was in effect. Still have not seen this “rail” they speak of? So, back to the Subway. It was horrid! All seven of us pack in the subway car, and see very few passengers, the few consisted of a homeless person curled up on the bench covered in filth with no recollection of anything going on around them. There was a rancid stench that filled the air, a stench that made you forget you were riding a subway, and thought instead that you were riding in a dumpster with wheels. Then, thank God, the subway stopped and it is time for us to get off.

Times Square. Burr! February in New York City is nothing like February in Texas. From the subway station we make our way towards an intersection and as we do the breeze is becoming noticable stronger. As we cross the street the experience is much like walking through a blizzard. The wind blows on your face and feels as though it takes the flesh with it. It hurts to wrinkle your nose or move your fingers inside the gloves and you shiver while thinking, “How much more clothing do I need to put on to get some warmth around here?” Since time was limited we were only able to fit in the enjoyment of eating a gigantic slice of New York pizza at a family owned pizzeria, and browse some gift shops to buy typical tourist junk. After our short visit in Times Square we hop back onto the dumpster with wheels and head back to the airport for boarding to Amsterdam.

Seven Hour Flight. We all boarded the plane, found our seats and buckled ourselves in. The friendly stewardess at the front of the plane informs everyone that there will be movies played throughout the flight for anyone interested in viewing. Immediately following that information I begin to smile and I take a sigh of relief thinking, “Maybe seven hours is not that bad afterall.” The first movie did not begin until we had already been in the air for almost two hours and if that was not bad enough, it was a G rated cartoon movie, The Corpse Bride. I mean, how many children are flying to Amsterdam, really? It was a cute movie – the first time. Yes, I said “the first time”, they continued playing it the entire flight with small breaks in between to stare at a little plane flying across the globe, meant to be us, displaying how close we were to our destination. That’s it. That will make a dreaded seven hour flight seem like eternity. At the middle of the second round of The Corpse Bride we all decide that it is nap time, except for my brother and husband, they decide it is the perfect time to use the stewardess call button every five minutes asking, “Another beer please! Another Jack Daniels please!” This went on for the remainder of the flight, five of us sleeping and the other two having a private party until the airplane was completely sold out of the Jack Daniels.

Arrival in Amsterdam. Keep in mind Amsterdam is seven hours ahead of us, so when we arrive, it is 10 a.m. and my brother and husband have not slept a wink. All seven of us grab our luggage and proceed to the outside to locate a taxi or some type of transportation to our hotel. Inititally we see a tram but have to idea how it is used or how much it will cost to use. So, we start walking down the street with too much luggage, wheeling the luggage up and down curbs and over tram tracks in the freezing temperatures. My husband, who has a very short fuse, decides to drag the luggage as if it had done something wrong to him. As he drags it up onto another curb the bag attached by a strap to the top of the suitcase falls to the side and takes the entire suitcase onto its side. Which has now officially lit his fuse. That’s when he decides, “That it!” He flags down a taxi and all seven of us and our many pieces of luggage squeeze inside. We arrive at the hotel, check-in and go up to our rooms to unload. The room is beautiful. The bed was plush, there were gorgeous dark wood floors, contemporary furniture, and drapes that set a cozy tone for the room. The shower was different than I was use to, it was a tub with a showerhead but instead of two sliding glass shower doors it was just one glass covering only half of the tub, a little odd. Well enough about the room, it was barely used anyway. Next stop is the lobby to meet the rest of the crew. A decision had been made to walk to the Heinekin brewery for a few morning brewsky’s to get the vacation started.

What a deal! It was only 10 euros (about 12 dollars) for a tour, two beer tokens, and a souvenier. It’s a self-guided tour so we self-guided ourselves straight to the first bar to get a beer. Our entire group looks as though we had been up for days. Girls in no makeup, me in glasses and hair pulled back in a ponytail; guys, especially my brother and husband, looking similar to what a zombie looks like; hands stretched out in front of them moaning, “beer, beer, beer…” and stammering to the bar with the last of their energy supply. About 30 minutes later we arrive at the second bar, grab our next beer and take a seat at one of the cocktail tables to rest our tired bodies. At this point we lose a couple members of our crew due to pure exhaustion, but my husband was not one of them, if you can believe that. A tour group then enters the last bar. They all have matching t-shirts and appear to have chaperones watching their every move. To our delight they all toss their beer tokens on our table and walk off. We had at least 25-30 beer tokens, in other words 25-30 beers, staring us straight in the face while we frowned because we had no energy to take the free ride offer to the land of; Blitzed. To everyone’s surprise we surrendered the tokens to their keeper, the bartender. Where were we headed next? Bed.

Coffee Shop. Have you ever been to a coffee shop that did not serve coffee? Well I have. It is like going to eat at the Cracker Barrel and having them say they do not have any crackers to go with your soup. It is just wrong. So we enter into this non-coffee serving coffee shop, we walk down about three steps, duck our heads under the threshold and pull our heads back up to notice that we are in an old jail transformed into a bar. Each cell is missing the metal bar doors, and each cell has a table inside for us, the guests. On our right as we enter is a long bar displaying a marijuana menu listing the many different types of marijuana and the different prices for each one. If that was not strange enough, the bartender or maybe we could call him the weedtender, informed us that if we would like any of these leafy grains cooked into a dessert they would be more than happy to do that for us. What? You mean we can go to the bar and they will cook High Times brownies for us? Now this place starts to get interesting. I am not a smoker, of anything. I mean, I was young once and did some experimenting, but inducing a paranoia attack and removing all motivation from my body became very unappealing for some reason. I like having control over my brain, I know that is weird for some, but I like seeing the world through clear goggles not foggy ones. So, this is where my brother and the honeymooners buy their first Amsterdam marijuana and boy were they excited. You would think they were children on Christmas morning jumping up and down at the pile of gifts Santa left for them. Although I did not understand the excitement it sure was entertaining to witness. Personally, I would like to experience a trip like this with my head screwed on straight and really take it all in. View this adventure through clear goggles. At this point I’m feeling a little too square for a coffee shop or maybe Amsterdam all together. From the coffee shop we decide it is time to find our way to the Red Light District.

Red Light District. My brother is the most excited, well my husband might have been too, but he knew better than to say so. We start by walking down brick laid streets with canals running on all sides of each street. We pass by many shops that are closed, more coffee shops that smell like skunk, and various specialty shops selling mushrooms, peyote, various paraphernalia and more. After walking for at least 30 minutes we start to see the red lights. Everyone smiles, probably a nervous, how-do-you-act kind of smile since we are not familiar with the openess of stuff like this. Now, picture old brick buildings three to four stories tall, all joined together like one long building stretching all the way down the street. Each apartment has a window that stretches from floor to ceiling, and a girl barely clothed standing in plain view. It was strange. I guess window shopping in Amsterdam is quite different than the window shopping we do here in the States. Before arriving to the Red Light District I had pictured nasty women, like the ones portrayed in movies where their hair has a bad color job and their black roots are exposed at about six inches in length, lipstick bright red, stocking with holes in them and more. To my surprise these women were all gorgeous! I could not find one women that was unattractive in the slightest. Men are walking by whistling, screaming obsenities to them and staring. There were also men walking into these window (doors), with a curtain closure immediately following their entrance. There were many smiling faces walking out of each room. Not sure what they were smiling about? Okay, actually I did. At this point I decide Amsterdam is the real Las Vegas. Vegas is for beginners.

Using Public Restrooms. Have you ever seen the theatrical play; Urinetown? Well if not it is worth the money. I happened to see that play just a month or so before our trip overseas and within moments the play came to life. I needed to use the restroom so we decide to stop and eat at a Heinekin restaurant. This restaurant was full of thick clouds of cigarette smoke, so thick your vision was distorted. I immediately fled to the restroom, gasping for breath as the ash-like air moves down my esophagus and into my almost virgin lungs. As I was steadfast down a small hallway towards the womens restroom I am stopped by a lady sitting at a small table with an appetizer sized plate sitting in front of her. I direct my attention to her with a look of confusion on my face, and she says, “You pay here to use the bathroom.” I respond impulsly with, “Pay to pee?” only to have the lady respond with an up and down nod of her head, meaning yes, pay to pee. So I ask how much and she says that I can pay whatever I want. Can this place get any stranger? I have to pay, but I can pay whatever I want? That would never happen in the States. So I pull out the pile of coins in my pocket and hand her one, then realize I just handed her a euro, a whole dollar and twenty cents in American money! Since coins in the States are not as valuable, your touch and recognition are pre-wired to habitiually hand over a quarter, which mistakenly was much more than a quarter on my first attempt. Tip: either use your hotel restroom when possible or pay attention to which coins you are handing to the creepy lady in the hallway.

Securing Transportation. Amsterdam is not a large city so purchasing taxi rides or owning a car are a complete waste of money. With that said, this town is filled with thousands of bicyclists, and as a tourist you are usually always in their way. At first you get frustrated because no matter where you walk some bicycle cruises by using no breaks and just rings the bell on the handlebar to warn you that they are coming and you might get run over. Being that our group is so smart, we decide it is time to rent bicycles! So off we walk to the rental shop. The friendly store clerk explains how the rental works, the cost, and insurance then leads us out to our new two-wheeled, bright red, old fashioned style bikes. We hop on and I notice something strange. There are no breaks on the handlebars, only a bell. At that moment I realize that I have to retrain my brain and motor skills to remember to not squeeze the handles to break, but you push the pedals backwards like kids do on their bikes in the States. So we ride our bikes across the tram tracks, which was nerve wrecking since the space between the tracks was the perfect size for your tire to get stuck and you to fall to the ground in hurt and embarrassment. But I made it to the other side. We locked our bikes up to a tree in the center of the town square and went to eat. As we leave the restaurant to walk to our bikes it starts snowing everywhere, the ground is covered in moments. Then my hot tempered husband starts the griping. “Go figure, we finally rent bikes and it starts frickin’ snowing!” Actually, he said something similar to that but replacing many of the words with cuss words and even adding a few extra cuss words for effect. Then I calm the fire by saying, “Who cares, that is part of the adventure, hop on!” From that point on, the bikes were not only a transportation aid but were also a fun way to get around and experience Amsterdam as a bicyclist. At many points we were riding on the wrong side of the road and other fellow bicyclists were screaming for us to move to the other side while ringing their bells in anger. I was not fazed at all by their rudeness, I am a tourist for God’s sake! My brother on the other hand, stopped riding altogether. We turned around and he was nowhere to be found. Apparently he was tired of getting yelled at and decided to stop at a bar and have a drink to take a little pressure off. I guess I can check “biking in the snow” off of my “Never Done Before” list. Check!

Van Gogh Art Museum. I had never been to an art museum before, so I guess this is a good place to start; the Van Gogh Museum. We purchased our tickets and invested in headphones that explain the artwork to us in English; this is also a self-guided tour. There are endless paintings available for viewing. So we start at No. 1. Wow, how beautiful! Then No. 2. Wow, what a neat story behind this one! Then No. 3. Wow, beautiful! Then No. 4. Wow, what a neat story behind this one! Then…you get point. Although, there were approximately three to four paintings I absolutely loved, there were more than 100 that were just mediocre, something that was only made famous once he passed away, but probably would have stayed in an old attic for eternity if he were still alive. I was moving through the paintings faster than my husband which he was not thrilled about, so I was told, “You’re not even listening to the stories! Grrr…” so I slowed down and pretended to listen to the story of the painting I was standing in front of while staring out the corner of my eye at another painting I liked better and actually listening to that story instead. Ha! Tricked him! Needless to say, on that day standing for hours staring at the wall I realized art museums are not for me.

Anne Frank Museum. Now this museum was amazing. Mainly due to the emotional effect that it has on you. When you are standing in a house that was previously occupied by a Jewish family in hiding from the Nazi regime, you stand there completely humbled and can feel the presence of the sadness and fear this family experienced. One room has a row of glass boxes, each with a part of Anne’s diary where she describes in detail the horrifying reality of her life, but also writes of love and understanding. This was the most emotional part of the trip. I am not much of a history buff so if I was not taught it in school, or I was taught it but forgot, that would be the extent of my historical knowledge. Learning visually and emotionally has always worked better for me, and that is exactly what this museum did for me. It brought the stories of the Holocaust to life, I felt the pain, sadness, fear and love as if I was personally involved. I left the museum with a heart aching for the approximate 6 million Jews that experienced what Anne Frank and her family had gone through.

Leaving Our New Home. If I had to choose one country to move to permanently, Amsterdam would be my choice. Not for the drugs, prostitution or art museums, but for the relaxed atmosphere where racing across town to get somewhere on time, just to be late because traffic is backed up for five miles, is not an issue and everyone has a friendly demeanor, that is unless you are standing in a bicyclists way.

Quote of the Day!

"We have a choice. We can try to simply survive - clinging to the hope we will get to the end unscathed - or we can try to thrive, allowing the adventure to grow us in ways we could not have imagined when we began. Clearly, the objective of the adventure of our lives is not simply to survive, but to thrive in it and grow."

~Larry Wilson, from "Play to Win"

How-To Guide to: Getting from Sorrow to Joy!

First, in my defense, I am not writing this to offend anyone in regards to their religious beliefs, because I am also a struggling Christian, but I couldn't help but see a humorous side to the celebration of Passover when I was taught about it in last nights "Intro to Gospels" bible class.

So anyone easily offended, please stop here.

For everyone else that likes seeing humor in everything in life, as I do, please KEEP READING!

In the New Testament we learn about the Passover feast, why it was important, and what ritualistic acts took place during this celebration.

It is said (according to my professor) that Passover started with SORROW, and by the end would change the sorrow into JOY!

I thought, "Wow, that's a good dinner!...but how does it change your sorrow to joy?"

So let's try and answer that question by taking a closer look at the original routine of Passover:

1. A Benediction (Starting here with SORROW)
2. A cup of wine
3. Hands of the company are washed
4. Bitter herbs are dipped in sauce and then eaten
5. Lamb in brought to the table with other portions of the meal
6. Benediction again, and then the second eating of bitter herbs
7. Second cup of wine, with Q&A as they start to the feast
8. Singing of the first part of the Hellel (Psalms 113-114)
9. Master washes hands, makes sop by wrapping lamb with unleavened bread in bitter herbs and dipping sauce, for each one present
10. Each one eats as much as he likes, finishing with the pieces of lamb
11. Third cup of wine, after washing hands
12. Singing of the second part of the Hellel (Palms 115-118)
13. Lastly, the fourth cup of wine (Ended here with JOY)

Did you notice anything in this ritual that could lead to JOY?

Was it the washing of the hands?
Was it the first low carb lamb wrap with dipping sauce?
Was it the Q&A at the beginning of the meal?
Was it the fact that you got to eat as much as you wanted?

NO SIR-EE BOB!!

It was the FOUR CUPS OF WINE!!! Anyone, no matter what the circumstance, can go from SORROW to JOY after four cups of wine, LOL!! (steps 2, 7, 11, and 13 above)

So ladies and gents, if you are full of SORROW today please lift of your wine glasses and let's cheer to the JOY we're all about to feel after the four glasses of wine we're about to consume, and cheers to the joyful bliss we are about to receive, Amen!

~Love the 24/7 comedian! Sorry :(

"Wings of Freedom"

I lay at night on cold concrete,
Looking up at the moon,
In clothes and bare feet.

I'm praying my LORD
for peace and relief
Through all of my struggles
As they seem to repeat.

I trust and I fear
with all that I see.
But have hope for the future
You're planning for me.

I know that these struggles
Are building my wings
To fly away towards you
And become spiritually free!

Now I stand on my feet
Filled with love and belief
That you are guiding my flight
Towards Your divine dream!

Thank You!

Love Always,
Your Follower! (Tammy Scully)

Morning Person vs. Non-Morning Person

Let's start by defining these two personality categories;

Morning Person - any person who is generally more productive, efficient, and alert in the mornings (per Dictionary.com)

Non-Morning Person - the opposite of a morning person, but add an easily irritated demeanor, slow to think, and the need for quiet time to ease into the day (per Tammy Scully - there is no definition on record)

Another way these two people have been categorized is as an "owl" (nightowl) or "lark" (morning person). The owl likes to stay up late and sleep all day, and the lark tends to go to bed earlier and get up earlier.

So enough about the technical crap in regards to this topic - lets get down to business!

First I'd like to start by saying, I am NOT a morning person!

The best part of my days are usually the parts where I am peacefully asleep, chasing dreams, having adventures in those dreams, and am completely relaxed.

Then....BUZZZZZZZZZ, BEEP BEEP BEEP, BUZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!!!!! frickin' ruins everything!! Since the alarms scares the ever-lovin' shit out of me, it simultaneously irritates the shit out of me! Then I lay there, and think about how I have absolutely no desire to lift my comfortable, relaxed body out of the cozy warm covers.

At that moment I decide I want 10 more minutes of chill-time (which sounds like a lot to a non-morning person), so I reset the alarm (I don't use the snooze feature), roll back over, now more comfortable than I was originally, and quickly crash out! This process may be repeated a number of times.

Each additional minute of sleep is a CRUCIAL part of a non-morning person's day. Two extra minutes of sleep to a larks means nothing, but means the world to an owl - this is usually where the morning person and non-morning person start to have complications:)

Example script below:

(lark): realizes the alarm went off and starts to wake up...
(owl): grunts under their breath as the alarm screams in their face
(lark): opens their eyes and lays silently
(owl): almost crashed out again
(lark): "I should get up!" - "hey are you getting up now?"
(owl): "No! I have 10 more minutes, no talking!"
(lark): "Dang!" thinking that was rude
(owl): "Sorry, just want to enjoy the last 10 minutes before I have to start this day"
(lark): "Shhhhh! No talking! (poking the bear, while snickering)
(owl): "I'm NOT talking!"
(lark): "Shhhhh! No talking! (poking the bear again, while snickering)
(owl): irritated because they just spent 3 of the 10 minutes talking about nothing while being
poked at:(
(lark): gets out of bed
(owl): lays there a minute longer convincing themselves to get up - then gets up
(lark): "So, what do you have to do today after work?"
(owl): "Urgghhh...I don't know! I don't even know what to wear yet, much less what I'm going to
do at 5pm today!"
(lark): gives a sad puppy dog face and leaves the set/scene
(owl): finishes getting ready, then heads off to work, then sends an "I'm sorry for being a bear"
text, and all is better:)

A few things to avoid when waking up around someone who is NOT a morning person:

1. NO conversation is GOOD conversation

2. NO questions - the brain isn't functioning enough to articulate answers

3. NO sarcasm/poking - this is an automatic irritation for obvious reasons;)

4. Know that being grumpy in the morning has nothing to do with you and it will be over soon

5. Know that you'll always get an apology an hour+ later. The last thing a non-morning person
wants to do is upset whomever is around them at the time

6. Quietly (no talking) and calmly snuggle up (if you want to snuggle, if not no worries)

7. Remind them the evening before to get everything in order before bed, the easier the morning
is, the better:)

8. Wait until at least lunch time to ask about what to eat for dinner - dinner has no importance until at least noon...or later! ;)

9. Basically just do as little as possible for at least the first hour - and you're sure to get a smile!
Last, but most importantly...

10. Don't Poke the Bear!!

BONUS POINTS: Awarded when you give them a nice calm back rub, while everything is still quiet. It eases them into the day by waking them up slowly and makes them feel good. Not sure if this is true for all owl's, but this is 100% true for me!!

So, what are you? An owl or a lark? A morning person or a non-morning person?

Please share!!

Dream Dinner Party!!

If you could have any five people in the world (famous or not) to attend your dinner party who would you invite and why? Also, what would your dinner party look like? Glamorous, beer- BBQ - cutoff t-shirts style, etc...be creative!! This is your dream dinner party!!

Here's mine (Tammy):

Attendees:

1. Oprah Winfrey - because I would love to talk with her about the school she started in South Africa, Leadership Academy School for Girls. I have always dreamed of teaching, and would love the opportunity to start my own school for less fortunate children - to teach any traditional academics, but also life skills.

2. Dalai Lama - to ask him for his wisdom on manifesting a calm mind, body and spirit.

3. Dad (my Dad of course, not yours, well unless your my sibling, haha!)- because he is my strength and stability, and always has been! I am convinced that no one will ever stand on a higher pedestal, ever! Love you Dad!

4. Cameron Diaz - because she seems like she can let her hair down and be silly with me - I need a girl that will still be at the party once everyone has left and will dance all night long (like how she did in "The Holiday").

5. Johnny Depp - gotta have another cool guy for my Dad to hang out with - and so I have the opportunity to talk to my favorite "dark/creepy/talented" actor!! Every movie he's in is dark, strange, twisted, etc...basically, he's in many of the movies I LOVE!!

As for the setting of the dinner party, I would plan to have it glamorously-haunting!! So a lot of red velvet and black, fancy but unique glassware and dinnerware...no sterling sillver, more like brushed silver. Basically a place that anyone would feel glamorous in, even Edward Cullin (the Vampire from "Twilight") would feel right at home:)

Let's see what you've got!!

My Current Theme Song!

Oh, I think the lady did protest too much
She wouldn't take the flower from my hand
She only saw the shadow of my circumstance
Perception can describe what makes a man

I didn't mean to interrupt your stride
But a rose was all I had to give
Sometimes beauty isn't recognised
When it contrasts with what you feel inside

Who's to say the darkened clouds must lead to rain
Who's to say the problems should just go away
Who's to point a finger at what's not understood
Because, we're all mad in our own wayColours paint the grey away
Different people all the same
Each reveals the meaning

We're all mad in our own way
Fill the sky with different shades
Read the story on each page
Each reveals the meaning
Each reveals the meaning

Sometimes I think I over analyse
As if I cant control the time and place
Life isn't something you try on for size
You can't love without the give and take
Who's to say the darkened clouds must lead to rain
Who's to say the problems should just go away

Who's to point a finger at what's not understood
Because, we're all mad in our own way
Colours paint the grey away
Different people all the same
Each reveals the meaning

We're all mad in our own way
Fill the sky with different shades
Read the story on each page
Each reveals the meaning

...as soon as I find the audio I'll have it linked above. What a great song!!

Meat of the Music

Do you ever listen to songs and notice that there is one particular statement that really tugs at your heart, soul and/or mind? Well I do. Here are some of my examples (of course these change as life changes)...

1. "Beauty in the Breakdown" (by Frou Frou)

2. "Find Another Place to Fall" (by KT Tunstall)

3. "See Yourself As a Fallen Angel" (by KT Tunstall)

4. "It's Just a Ride" (by JEM)

5. "She's the balance beam, and I keep falling all around her fairytale" (by Blue October)

6. "Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down, let the rain come down" (by Blue October)

7. "If it makes you happy it can't be that bad" (by Sheryl Crow...I know it's old-school but it
means something these days)

8. "...should I just keep chasing pavement, even if it leads no-where" (by Adele)

9. "You belong among the wildflowers, you belong in a boat out at sea...you belong somewhere
you feel free!" (by Tom Petty) My chosen funeral song...woohoo!! ;)

...and last but definitely NOT least!...

8. "OH HOT DAMN THIS IS MY JAM!" (by Flo Rida)

That's all this tired minds' got tonight...ENJOY!

"To A Beautiful Woman"

To a beautiful woman, that touched our hearts
It's easy to say, it's hard to part;

But in all the haze, we know she's safe
In the arms of heaven, where she will wait
For us to join her, in future years
To lift our glasses together and cheers

To all the wonderful times we've shared
And every time we knew she cared
For you and me, and all things living
Her children, grandchildren and Kelsey kitty!

Although her time here was short
Her time above is anything but.
You know she's watching us all below
Sending her blessings to all she knows!

Each time she passes through your thoughts
Remember the smiles and laughter she brought
To all our faces and our souls
Throughout the years and forever more!

WE LOVE YOU SUANNE!

~by Tammy for Suanne

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kerrville Daily Times

NEW BRAUNFELS — Suanne Wooten Kuykendall, beloved daughter, mother, sister, grandmother and friend, passed away Tuesday, Dec. 30, 2008, in New Braunfels, Texas, at the age of 48.She was born in San Antonio, Texas, on July 6, 1960.

Suanne graduated from Center Point High School in May 1979. She is survived by her daughters, Kacie Mosmeyer and husband, Jeff, and their son, Blane, of New Braunfels, and Kelcie Wooten of College Station and son, Kyle Wooten of Aberdeen Proving Grounds, Md.; her parents, Sid and Rebecca Kuykendall of Kerrville, Texas; sister, Leanne Haley and husband, Clay, of Johnson City, Texas; sister, Dianne Kuykendall-Wade and her husband, James, of Rockport, Texas; brother, Dan Kuykendall and his wife, Kathi, of Hunt, Texas; and sister, Gyanne “Indian” Kuykendall of Kerrville; and numerous nieces and nephews.

Suanne continued her education by earning a real estate license and worked in that industry for many years. She was just beginning a new career in insurance. Although she moved from Kerrville several years ago, she still considered Kerrville home.

Suanne was a cheerleader her entire high school career and chosen homecoming queen and football sweetheart the same year during high school. She loved life and lived cheering everyone else on. Suanne enjoyed being a grandmother to Blane, and he loved his “Glammy.”

Visitation was from 5 to 7 p.m. Friday, Jan. 2, 2009, at Kerrville Funeral Home. Funeral services will be held at 1 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 3, 2009, at Kerrville Funeral Home.Memorial donations may be made to K’Star of Kerrville or the American Diabetes Association.The family invites you to leave a message or memory at www.kerrvillefuneralhome.com by selecting Obituaries. Select “Sign Guestbook” at the bottom of the individual memorial.Arrangements are under the direction and personal care of Kerrville Funeral Home.

Published January 3, 2009

Quotes from Dr. Smith (Business Professor)

I'm currently taking a boring International Business course, and the only way I survive is by surfing the net on my laptop, blogging during class (like right now), and checking FaceBook (of course).

Although the boredom level is extremely high - every so often Dr. Smith throws in some interesting comments, non-international business related, that I've really enjoyed.

Some quotes include;

"Your natural gifts energize you!"

This meant something because I feel like I desire a career that works with my passions, and even though I haven't quite achieved that point, I strive daily to get there. I found that quote motivating since it reminded me of my goal - to eventually be doing something I LOVE!

"All things are either coming to you or receding away from you."

After hearing this, I thought, "what a simple way to understand the events and obstacles of life"! Think about it - you could categorize your entire life into "coming" or "going" - WOW, that's pretty simple!

"The lightest light and the darkest dark come together at the center of the picture, ALWAYS!"

Dr. Smith was talking about how he paints and how artists see things differently, then he said the above statement. I took that statement, pondered it in my head, reworked it to form a type of analogy, and here's what I came up with;

In the darkest moments of your life (aka - where it feels like the "end"), it may actually be the beginning of the lighter part of your life (aka - the "new beginning").

Maybe your darkest moments bring about the most light!

So...

If the point where the darkest dark meets the lightest light creates the focal point on a painting, then maybe we could say that the most focused part of your life, is where the dark presents itself as a sign that the light is about to begin. A sign that things in your life are about to become clearer than you've ever seen!

So, next time you feel the darkest moments overcoming you - just remember the light is right around the corner, and it'll most likely be brighter than it's ever been!

BOOYAH!!- how's that for gettin' deep?? HAHA!

Sincerely,

~The Dark One (who's seeing a glimpse of light!)

Like A Watermelon

This world is made up of so many personalities.

From aggressive to passive, arrogant to diffident, happy to depressed, optomist to pessimist, selfish to unselfish, active to lazy - the list goes on and on...

Have you ever thought of yourself or someone you know as a watermelon personality?

Watermelons are very firm on the outside, they don't get damaged easily, and the outer layer is fairly successful at protecting all things important on the inside, all the soft, sweet, vulnerable innards of their being.

Have you noticed that when you go to cut into the watermelon it usually takes quite a bit of effort to make the first cut, but once you're through the outer layer, the inside is completely soft?

These watermelon personalities are tough people, can get things done, and don't let small issues get in the way. They are strong a lot the time, but are still human, and still feel. The problem with these personalities is how they go from strong to completely soft in just a single uncomfortable touch (the "knife"). Of course they recover fairly quickly on the outside, but the "knife" has left remnants of it's damage, and that damage lingers.

Of course I don't know any watermelon personalities...but I thought it would get you all thinking (wink wink).

Pretty random, I know...but WHO CARES!! Take it or leave, don't really care;)

Happy Tuesday!

Ms. Watermelon:)

Strange Memories As a Child

Have you ever thought back to moments as a child that seemed normal to you because you were so naive to the world? Well I had quite a few things that I didn't realize for strange until I'd tell someone and they'd give me that "squinty-low-browed-your-strange" look. So here are a few of my stranger childhood memories, which by the way I still think are TOTALLY NORMAL!

1. Getting a Ouija Board for Christmas from Grandma Scully

2. Cleaning the inside of the toilet with a wet rag (didn't know toilet brushes existed)

3. Taking the Twister game mat and putting water all over it in the basement to use as a slip n slide!

4. Sharing my entire 5 year old Winnie-the-Pooh birthday cake with my best friend Ceaser, the bull mastiff (dog). Let's just say Ceaser was a little "loose" after all that cake, HAHA!!

5. Walking to school in the blistering cold wearing the ugliest Napolean Dynamite boots (moon boots) that you've ever seen. Not only that but the boots didn't even work correctly so we had to wrap our feet in grocery bags then put them into the boots. Needless to say, friends were scarce in those days.

6. (sign of being young and stupid) My dad always sat in this brown wicker rocking chair, and I would stand on the side of it, with my feet on the curved rocking piece of the wood, then hold on to the arm of the chair while he rocked I would ride, and pretty regularly at least one foot would slip off and my toes were get crushed. I guess that shows how much I loved my Dad, I'd go through regular pain just to hang out next to him...awww!

7. My sister and I creating a game called "STINKY SOCK"! Oh MAN, this game was the best! We shared a room and had bed conjoined in the corner by a desk/table of sorts. One of us would grab a stinky/dirty sock and run over to the other ones bed and try to touch them with it...all the while the one getting attacked by this infamous sock is covered by their blanket, and trying to make sure there are no holes exposed where the stinky sock could enter. Once they were touched with the sock, it would be their turn to get REVENGE!! haha!

8. My sister and I climbing a tree. I let her climb up first (she's in a dress with tights, mind you) and I follow behind. Then she decides she has to pee REALLY bad, and so as I'm racing down the tree in hopes that I won't get pee'd on - there it goes - pee trickling down her tights...HAHA! Love you sis!

...more to come...

Any strange stories you'd like to share?

Craigslist Junkie!

Have you heard of Craigslist? If not, you are WAY behind the times;)

I have DEFINITELY heard of Craigslist, I have been a Craigslist Junkie for about 5 years now. You're probably wondering what differentiates you from being a casual Craigslist customer, to a junkie - well here's how!

Craigslist Junkies...

1. Barely go a day without visiting the site for SOMETHING

2. Most of the time they go to the site with nothing particular in mind to look for, they just need their daily dose;)

3. Have found many jobs and been given job offers (my last 3 jobs were found this way - all good jobs too: Marketing Data Administrator, Implementation Specialist, and a Sales Tax Associate)

4. Gotten parts in movies/shows/modeling (like being and extra on Friday Night Lights, being in an indie horror movie...)

5. Looked for jobs overseas in Amsterdam, haha!! (I'm a dreamer, I know!)

6. Purchased all sort of things

7. Sold all sorts of things

8. Gotten free stuff like Christmas decorations, halloween costumes, moving boxes...

9. Forwarded sooooo many ads to friends and family that they've lost count! Sorry friends;)

...AND FINALLY...

10. Wishes they had a wife-beater with rhineston lettering across the front reading "Craigslist Junkie"

So...have you Craigslist-ed today?????

Sincerely,

~Craigslist Junkie!

"Today I pray for the wisdom to build a better tomorrow on the mistakes and experiences of yesterday" (quote from "One Day at a Time")

~Thank you Mama!

OVER IT!

Have you ever used the expression "over it" when you're talking? It sort of works like a cuss word, you can squeeze it into many conversations!

For example;

1. Homework, urghhh! OVER IT!
2. Getting up early! OVER IT!
3. Excuse me, what did you say to me? OVER IT!
4. You're a mess! So what! OVER IT!
5. Damn, I'm full! OVER IT!
6. Frickin' traffic! OVER IT!
7. Damn, I forgot to shave, screw it! OVER IT!
8. I'm exhausted! OVER IT!
9. It's HOT! OVER IT!
10. It's COLD! OVER IT!
11. This radio station plays the same crap over and over! OVER IT!
12. Oh, that's your opinion, huh? OVER IT!
13. Creditors! OVER IT!
14. Rat Race...OVER IT!
15. Political Debates...OVER IT!
16. Obama...OVER IT!
17. Being broke. OVER IT!
18. Having a cell phone. OVER IT! (except for texts)
19. Analyzing. OVER IT!
20. Breathing dirt up my nose at ACL for an entire weekend. OVER IT!

Got any to add? Go for it! I'm sure you're OVER something.

Peace Out Peeps!

"FALLEN ANGEL"

I'm just a woman who desires and dreams
Pursuing that peace - so wonderful it seems
Moving through days, living in visions
Of what life could be like, if pursued as a mission

With a heart weighed heavy, and a mind spinning freely
This soul needs rebuilding, which in no way is easy!
There's wonder of a life, driven by destiny
In a moment of solitude, with just me.

When torn between heart and societal views
It's hard to choose the "right" thing to do
They say follow your heart and follow your mind
Which deems impossible when you're in this bind

There's logic and reason, enemies for certain
Battling for truth, behind the minds curtain
Will it be seen as failure or success?
I may never know, wow what a test!

~Tammy Scully

Happy Birthday Dad! - October 5th, 2008!

I, again found the perfect card for my Dad, and it crossed my mind that I buy so many cards in a lifetime but once I send them off I forget what exactly they said inside (you know it was good - but can't remember).

So I've decided to post the wording of my Dad's birthday card this year! His birthday is Sunday October 5th - so here's to you Dad! This card says exactly what you deserve to hear!

(Cover)
Dear Dad,
On your birthday,
I'm thinking about you -
how much you mean to me
and all the ways
you've made such a wonderful difference
in my life...

(Inside Left)
Thank you
for letting me know
I could always count on you,
that you believe in me
and you'd stand by me,
no matter what.
Thank you
for encouraging me
the dreamer in me,
for loving me
through each and every
fad and phase,
and for accepting my ideas
when they were different
from your own...

(Right inside)
Thank you
for having faith
during the times
when I had to do it on my own,
and for being there
when things didn't work out
exactly how I thought they would.
Thank you
for all that you are -
my wonderful, wise, and loving father.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY with LOVE

Love you Dad! Happy Birthday - see you in May!

~Tammy

Dust, Delirium and Dinero! ACL Fest 2008!

WOW - what a weekend!!

Have you ever been to the Austin City Limits Music Festival (ACL for short)? No? Well you should definitely experience it at least once - this year was my first experience. Although I attending this weekend jam session, I did it in a less traditional way - I worked a beer booth - whew - what a weekend!

Initially me and four other girls were planning to attend the ACL Fest but then our plans had changed for unexpected reasons. At about that same time a co-worker mentioned that she worked for ACL last year and made good money in just those three days. I ignored the opportunity at first, then thought, "why not, I could at least email them and see if they need anyone".

So I did. The response was "Sorry our tent is full". Bummer.

Then a few hours later I get another email, "are you still interested"? I'm like hell yea! $600-$800 for one weekend, I'll take it!!

But, shit, it's Thursday and I'm not even TABC (Texas Alcohol and Beverage Commission) certified and work starts tomorrow!

While debating on how to make this work I tell a friend and BAM she's interested too. So we both start the online TABC certification at abot 7:30pm and don't finish until 11:30pm Thursday night, then have to go pick up our packets and drop off our certificate.

We're finally official at 1am on Friday morning...HOLY CRAP, we already feel like we were working hard...haha!

Then we kick off the weekend at ACL!

The beer-slingin' begins!! So much beer-slingin' the first day there wasn't time to eat more than a package of peanutbutter crackers and a granola bar ALL day!

By the end of the day your pant bottoms and shoes are covered in mud, you've got so much dust up your nose that you're making soil, and probably almost growing a small garden or field of flowers inside.

Every morning when the gates open the AT&T stage plays a Star Wars type theme song and people actually run in (keep in mind this is a huge park and this stage is at the far end), holding chairs, bags, umbrellas, blankets, camping gear, etc...and they race for the front of the stage. It's hilarious! People running in actually make it funny by running in slow motion to the music like you're watching a race replay - it's great entertainment!

The last morning (Sunday) one of our tent beer-slingers decided he wanted to run in with the crowd, so he grabbed his bag, a chair from our tent, and LARGE garbage can with tons of empty ice bags inside, and threw a cowboy hat on that the wine company supplied us.

Then we all waiting to see him rush in with the others, racing them to the stage.

One fellow beer-slinger stood in the field waiting for him, and as he ran by we all screaming WOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! An the guy waiting in the field throws water on him, all theatrical-like like we're watching Lance Armstrong cross the finish line in the Tour de France, haha!

Needless the say, the music was awesome. Our stage played some great acts (there are many stages) like Beck, Erykah Badu, Gnarls Barkley, and many more!

The last show of ACL was the FooFighters, which was near our tent, so you can imagine. Everyone in the entire park all crowd around the stage (and our tent) to see the last performance.

We're slinging so many beers at this point you're like a beer serving robot - "What can I get you, can I see your ID, sweet you're old enough, here you go" - then repeat again and again and again!

My friend and I spent an entire weekend living in delirium with fresh gardens growing in soil up our noses, covered in mud, with feet and calves aching beyond belief, and we still HAD A BLAST!!!

Definitely an experience! Plus, we were lucky to be making money while everyone else was blowing theirs - WOOHOO!!

If you ever get the opportunity to go to ACL, I promise it's worth it! Also, make sure you make it early at least one day so you can see everyone run to the front stage - it's too funny!!

Signed: "Beer-slinger"

Melanie & Me Pics!

Melanie Safka & Me!

Back in April 2005 I finally got to see Melanie Safka (better known as Melanie) live at Cactus Cafe in downtown Austin, Texas!

Here's how I became a fan (since I wasn't alive to attend the original Woodstock where she made her debut)...

I was in highschool at the time, driving somewhere with my mother when all of a sudden my mom decides to break out in song, "I GOT A BRAND NEW PAIR OF ROLLERSKATES, YOU GOTTA BRAND NEW KEY!"...and since I'm too cool to let my mom sing, I stop her with a diversion "What song is that?"

Then she explains that she always loved that song and it just popped in her head, then she makes an impulsive decision to take a sharp left into a shopping center where there's a local music store...and says "I've gotta get that CD!"

So, with a look of sheer confusion and surprise, I'm like, "okay...I guess...I don't understand what the big deal is...but I guess we're gonna find out shortly."

We walk into the store and low and behold there it is "Melanie's Greatest Hits" on CD. So she buys it and we leave. I'm like "whew, glad we got that all sorted out"...haha!

So she plays the song she was singing "Brand New Key" and I immediately fell in love with the song (I love all music, but in highschool especially loved cutsie songs, they fit my hippy/love everyone personality at the time)...haha!

Result: Mom never got her CD back, I officially ganked it from her collection before it ever had a chance to be hers...woops, sorry mom;)

So all of that happened back in like '96...and 9 years later Melanie shows up in Austin!!! So of course I call my mom to join me, and my good friend Heather (that heard me sing the song a million times throughout those nine years), and we packed up and went to Cactus Cafe to see her play.

She was AMAZING!! She sounds even better live!...she even has a good sense of humor during the show. She even explained how "Brand New Key" came to be. She originally wrote it with a cajun tone in mind (rough/raspy), but then the record label asked her to speed it up a bit, and that's when it became all cutsie - which she didn't like...isn't that funny...I love how it's cutsie!

Her son is also into music and has his own gig, but he was also her sidekick during the show. I kept getting chills throughout the entire show. Man, I loved every minute of it!

After the show of course I had her autograph my "Melanie Greatest Hits" CD cover, and a picture for a co-worker of mine that was also a fan. There's a small slideshow above with pictures from our autographing moments.

Here's to you Melanie - Please come back to Austin!!!

(signed) One of your biggest fans! The Tamster!

P.S. Just for the fun of it, I purchased an LP record 2 weeks ago - the "Gather Me" album and plan to get it autographed one day (if she'll come back) - her picture on the cover is beautiful! I think I was born in the wrong generation - frickin' luv the hippy look;)

P.S.#2 - I also got my little sister Kayla (12 years younger) addicted to the Greatest Hits CD, she's play it at night until she fell asleep - aww!

Jamie's 30th Bday Pics!

"My" Bucket List

I'm not a huge television viewer these days due to the chaotic schedule of trying to finish up school, but on a calm summer night a couple of months ago I decided to pick up the TV remote, click "Videos on Demand" and selected the movie "The Bucket List" - for a little light entertainment.

It really got me thinkin'...

Since I am definitely a dreamer or according to the Myers-Brigg psychology test - and idealist, it felt as though my brain was so consumed with ideas that I almost boiled over in the moment! All of my passions, thoughts, and ideas started to run rampid throughout my body and mind - I haven't been able to turn it off yet. One minute I'm a quilter the next minute I'm doing sales tax accounting.

Just for clarification, I've been this way long before I watched the movie, but the movie sort of turned on a switch and has forced me to organize every idea I had, and ask myself, "what is my bucket list?"

So basically I thought I'd share my list of things I'd like to do or achieve before I kick the bucket!

Enjoy!

1. Teach English Overseas (1+ years)

2. Get my Masters in Education

3. Live in a highrise condo downtown

4. Experience military bootcamp (interesting I know)

5. Create photo quilts to make a difference (for orphanages, melanie safka, etc.)

6. Start a school for children that teaches "life skills" (money mgmt, building credit, etc.)

7. Go to the North Pole (haha!) - I've always wanted to meet Santa in person;)

8. Interpret songs in sign language at a church

9. Get back my Irish heritage (long story...)

10. Play Comptine d'un autre ete on the piano! (and meet Yann Tiersen in person)

11. Teach special ed children (this is my retirement idea...)

12. Travel to Ireland, Poland, Australia, Italy, Greece, Spain...and so on

13. Drive a stock car on a full size motor speedway!! Living life in the fast lane!!!

14. Act in a horror movie

15. Read more...

16. Love more...

I could go on forever - but this is a good start;) I'll add more as they arise...

So, what's on your bucket list?

Perplexed By Society

We are all grown into a person that our parents hope we'll be, with set ideals, views, opinions of how things should be done and should not...

We are basically handed a huge piece of art that depicts what our life should look like in adulthood. Then as soon as we think we can take care of ourselves we start embarking on achieving that "picture" of greatness!

But...is it greatness...or just a picture?

For some, it probably is their true level of greatness/happiness...

...or maybe it's not but they're so pressured by society's idea of greatness that it's easier to go with the flow of society then to step outside of it and live it the way that makes them happy - happy at the core of their being.

So many are guided by society - which makes simple choices perplexing, and as a result they may never live a personally fulfilling life - or they will trick themselves into believing they are COMPLETELY fulfilled. Poor souls.

Have you ever thought about who started the whole "this is how we do it" idea?

Of course God created man to create relationships (friends, family, spouse, etc.), and He created us in His image - but it never talks about all the details on what we should own, where we should work, how much money we should make before we croak, etc...so clearly those are only societal successes - which will come and go - so maybe that's not where we need to put "all" the focus...hmmmm?

So, is it really about the "picture" that our peers want us to achieve so they can be proud of us, or is it about finding our true purpose and in that, find our happiness?

The perplexing part is the back and forth battle between...

Will society see me as a failure <---> Screw society, this is me and me being true to my core!

Lord let me decide on my behalf - and no matter how many successes or failures it may bring, let it bring me closer to knowing my true self - and closer to knowing you!

All choices bring some level of happiness and pain - but through all those events we will get closer and closer to becoming who we were meant to be from the beginning.

Take advantage of this life - don't be one of those people laying on your deathbed thinking - I wish I would've...........

Peace Out!

Junk Music Generation

You know how some people rant 'n rave about all their favorite musicians or bands from their adolescent/young adult years? Like, "Man! Van Halen, Rolling Stones, and The Doors were awesome! - they really rocked!!"

Well, here's how "cool" I sound when I repeat something similar but using musicians/bands from my time, "Man! Vanilla Ice, Paula Abdul and MC Hammer were awesome! - they rocked!!


...and wait, I almost forgot, so did Milli Vanilli!! - ooooo, blame it on the rain yeah yeah...

So maybe these songs are dorky and don't have a profound message...but hey people - like I had a choice? It was a junk music revolution and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to dance in front of my entire family to songs like "Ice Ice Baby!"

I have a signature Ice Ice Baby dance if you ever want me to perform it for you...haha!!

So with junk music under my belt without effort (born into it), and some music exploration over the last decade or so, I would say I have quite a variety of lyrical knowledge. This is not saying I know all music (by any means), but I do know a ton of dorky music (like the ones listed above), and some artists such as;


They Might Be Giants, Violent Femmes, Melanie Safka, Loreena McKennitt, Bone Thugz n Harmony (haha), Cyndi Lauper, Dixie Chicks, Fiona Apple, Fleetwood Mac, Tracy Chapman, and even Hootie and the Blowfish, to name a few.

One group I've noticed that everyone knows except for me (that cover bands always sing) is the Beastie Boys - somehow I never listened to them during my journey to musical enlightenment, but I'm not sad about it - I don't really care, I just sit those songs out and drink a little more of my Crown 'n Coke to get ready for the next song I most surely will know;)

So basically I'm the girl that knows pretty much all of the cover band type music - plus a little hippie stuff, and the current teenie-bopper music you hear on the radio.

This is me giving you permission to laugh your ass off if you see me dancing to any of this music - it may be dorky, but then again I'm dorky - so we're a perfect match (me and my music).

What's Your Word or Phrase?

Have you ever thought about what word or phrase you would use to describe yourself?

Like if we were to describe certain cities, states or countries in one word maybe these are a few examples of what we'd use;

Austin = Active
New York = Success
Michigan = Depressed
Amsterdam = Quaint
Paris = Stuffy
India = Prayer (per the book I'm reading)
Rome = Sex (per the book I'm reading)

In attempting to find one word to describe myself, it was difficult. Instead I found two phrases that really seemed to sum me up (at this time in my life), those are...

"Butterfly in Chains"

and

"Fallen Angel"

As for one word, maybe..."Lost!"

Butterfly in Chains represents how it feels as though I'm ready to fly away towards the unknown, following my passions and desires, fulfilling as many dreams as humanly possible, exploring the world, and ultimately finding myself again - but the chains of life have a hold on me and so I sit here in chains like houdini trying to pick the lock and free myself.

Fallen Angel represents the amount of effort and the amount of years I had passionately put towards being as perfect as God intended me to be, then a decade later having all that hard work come crashing down on top of me. I have officially fallen - but I still know I have an angel in me that will figure out how to get back up and become the woman God had planned me to be. So I've only fallen for a moment - but will rise again in due time.

Lost represents how I'm torn between the two phrases above.

Butterfly in Chains + Fallen Angel = Lost

It's amazing how much you realize about yourself by just searching for your "word". Just when you think you've found the word, you think harder about it and realize there's an even better word. Here's to you and finding the word that best describes you at this time in your life.

Sincerely,
Lost

Why Blog?

Everyone uses blogs in their own way.

Some for voicing their political beliefs, religious beliefs, ideas on health and nutrition, book reviews, jibberish, etc.

For me, it enables me to talk without talking.

Have you ever felt like there is so much more to you than the average person knows - but you're never sure how to share that part of you with them?

Well, that's what I use my blog for - sharing "me"! Whether I'm getting emotional, stating funny facts ("funny" according to me...haha), or stories about childhood, songs I like, movies I like, hobbies I have or want to have, WHATEVER!!! - that's the beauty of blogging. It doesn't matter what the hell you talk about - because who cares!!

I mean, it's not like the blog monster is going to pop out of my computer with his feelings hurt, or maybe feel offended, or bored to tears, or laughing his ass off at me (like my sister in an earlier blog entry...haha!) - it's like an "easy" friend to talk to. It's awesome!!

As an example of how awesome blogging is, I met up with an ex-coworker on Wednesday for lunch and we had a great visit. Near the end of the lunch I had mentioned that I had started blogging because working from home everyday is a bit "quiet" and boring and I needed some interaction (with my computer - wow! what is this world coming to...haha!).

So I gave her my blog URL on an old crumpled up Target receipt in my purse.

Then today, I (again) go to the mailbox (the most exciting part of a telecommuter's day) and check the mail and there's a card in the stack of junk mail addressed to me.

I think - it's not my birthday? Hmmm...then I notice my ex-coworker's name on the back, so I open it and you wouldn't believe it...

...it's a card that has a spring-like raised picture on the front with a little purple bird flying overhead - then when you open the card it reads...

"Hope you have a little song in your heart today."

It was such a nice thing to do! She noticed that in various parts of my blog it sounded like I was having a tough time - so she wanted to send some friendly cheer my way - HOW AWESOME IS THAT!

It's hard to find people like that in today's world. So thank you "ex-coworker" for sending a smile my way!

...and I thought I was a little strange - a whole group is clearly worse off!

People really do this - OMG!! Maybe it shouldn't make me laugh, but it does...haha!! A bunch of naked people standing/laying on a glacier...HAHA!! Was that act suppose to stop global warming - NOT!!! Hopefully they all earned at least some hot chocolate after that event!

Have You Ever Thought...

I was driving yesterday and had a random thought cross my mind (happens often), then I thought why don't I blog this thought and some others;) Enjoy!

1. Does everyone else see the same red/green/yellow, etc that I see? Or do we just assume it's all the same shade of the color because as a child we picked up a crayon - learned how to read the color name - then associated it with whatever color/shade we saw?

2. Why do people buy exercise equipment that says "results not typical"?

3. If clowns are suppose to be funny why are so many people scared of them?

4. What's the point of a car dealership survey if the salesman asks to fill it out himself in exchange for a free tank of gas?

5. If you smoke through kemo - shouldn't that be called suicide?

6. Shouldn't people who complain about how difficult a technology is to use - NOT use it? (article on the iPhone yesterday)

7. Do dreadlocks stink? haha! I've always wondered that:)

8. Did you know that Jack-in-the-Box is giving away 2 FREE taco's tomorrow (Thurs the 26th) if you show them a gas receipt? Hmmm...creative:) Meet you there!

9. When are you too old to trick-or-treat? I feel like I'm never too old for FREE candy!

10. (Radio ad from a real estate company) "We'll help you buy a house and if you're not satisfied within 18 months of purchase, we'll help you sell it"...WHAT????!!!!! No shit you'll help them sell it, you're a real estate company and you want to make money on the same home twice!

11. You know those reflectors on the road that run along the center and outside lines? Well, I bet blind people could drive if they used them as braille.

12. We're "Going Green"! Don't you wish you came up with something as stupid/simple as that and it went nationwide in moments?

13. Guess what the movie "The Happening" was about? Well, it never tells you, but "it" just keeps happening!...hahahaha!! (FYI...horrible horror flick!)

14. Why do people order a Big Mac, Large Fry and a DIET coke? If you're gonna go crazy and try to kill yourself with a Big Mac and Large Fry, be true to your suicide and get a real coke!!

15. Isn't it strange how two people can eat the same thing and as one person puts it in their mouth they are completely disgusted and the other is oooing and ahhhing over it? Shouldn't it taste the same to everyone?

16. You know what sucks? When you have a professor that's too smart to teach you something...what kind of crazy shit is that! haha! (I just finished statistics - and this man was WAY too smart to teach us...haha!)

17. How do you get to a point where your alarm goes off and you wake up thinking "I'm gonna rob a bank today at 2 o'clock"? I guess I don't quite have a criminal mind so I can't imagine waking up thinking "today's the day!"

18. Have you ever been in another room when all of a sudden you "felt" like someone just turned the TV on (even though you couldn't hear it)? I do all the time - I was told I have supernormal hearing from a doctor - whatever that means?

19. Assuming there is a heaven - wouldn't it be awesome if it was like the movie "What Dreams May Come"?

20. Does the Container store sell containers for your containers?

I'm sure I'll come up with more in the future - hopefully at least one of these at least made you laugh, if not think;)

Happy Hump Day!!

Neither Here Nor There - or anywhere!

First, enough with the debbie-downer entries I've written!! F#*$ sadness!! I'm over it!! (at least for today...haha!)

You know what I've realized being married has it's downfalls, but from the many single people I know, single life has it's downfalls too!

Being married is great in ways such as; you have someone to share your "life" with - someone who can understand almost every one of your emotions, knows every inch of your body as if it were their own, there is never an uncomfortable silence, you make twice as much income (haha), you have someone that is willing to rub your back forever (not all the time, but when it happens it's nice not having to figure out how to do that yourself), etc.

Although, I haven't been single in almost a decade I know many friends/acquaintences that are single, some have always lived in the single world, and some have become recently single. I don't think I've heard any of these people say anything good about it. They only show frustration, confusion and lonliness...with a bit of some good partying on the side to spice it up.

This is not only heard from women but also from some men. Is this what men think sometimes, "instead of putting all that work into another human being it's easier to just meet a girl, woo her, get laid, then stop. Wow, must be easy for men - or is it? Not sure. Not saying women are perfect, they do their fare share of hurting men - but since men don't fall head-over-heels as easy/often as women do - we notice mens wrong actions more often.

Here's an example story of someone meeting a new "guy";

"Tammy, look at this guy, isn't he hot!!" "Hell yea!" I reply. "We've been talking for a little while now and we seem perfect for each other". "That's awesome!" I reply. "So why do you think you two are so perfect?" I ask. "Well, we have soooooo much in common!" "Like what?" I ask. "For example, everything I like he says he likes too!" Whooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-nelly...STOP right there!

This is where you have to stop and realize that liking the same things is ALWAYS the case in the beginning of the "potential relationship". It's like when a male bird stands tall and ruffles his feathers in front of the female to impress her or woo her - it's two living things working with the laws of attraction. You've gotta put on some kind of show in the beginning to get the girl to even take a second look at you.

This is why they say you never really know someone until about 2 years down the road - you may know enough about them sooner if their NUTS!! haha!! Usually if the person seems awesome and they can still manage to be awesome for 2+ years then - if you've ever liked the idea of marriage - it would be safe to say that you two probably have a good fighting chance of making it work.

I have had the strongest marriage known to our circle of friends, I know this because people would always stop us to compliment us - but as I've experienced recently - even the strongest marriage can start to fail if it's not taken care of appropriately. That's not to say it can't be nursed back to health, but that's probably the true-ist test of the strength of the relationship.

Coming from a married woman (me) I can say there are parts of being single that sound appealing like; do what I want when I want with no reasoning as to why, I can have quiet time when I want it, etc.

But, then there's the part where it's an idle Tuesday, I'm lazy feeling and just want to snuggle with someone, and they're not there - and may never be there - and that's a pretty crappy thought or situation to deal with. I can see how it would be nice to be alone when you "want" to be alone, but what happens when you want to be with someone - do you go out on the town and meet the next pecker looking for a hole to camp out in, get woo'd too far, get laid, then go home feeling even worse than you did when you left your house. It's all seems so perplexing for singles.

Of course men are seen as a stud if he whore's out his "goodies", but women are sluts - what kind of stupid shit is that!!!

Men go home after a night like that and think "hell yea, look at me, I'm the man! I can always get a girl to screw...woohooo!!

A girl goes home thinking; "wow, if he would just call me back and show additional interest then I won't feel like a slut, I'll feel like a girl trying to have a relationship".

Now you see why girls want you to call back - they can justify their actions if he continues being interested. So guys, at least go out with her one or two more times, then let her go - this way she can justify to herself and anyone she's told that she tried to make it work, but it didn't.

Men and women are clearly different creatures, but they're different in the perfect way! That's why we long for each other.

To all you singles out there; everyone wants to feel attractive (male or female) and the opposite sex is great at making us feel that way - so it's not all bad that we're impressing each other in the beginning - if all you have ultimately is the beginning, at least you had that moment of feeling really attractive and good about yourself.

Hey, maybe that's why some people always stay single, because they like the initial attraction so much that they don't want it to get old...hmmm?

Just thought I'd blab for a while. If you were bored - so what! haha!

Lost in Translation

What am I doing? Am I going up or down, left or right? I have no idea.

How long has it been since you've been on a night cruise - on a boat?

I just did last night.

The stars were bright, and the sky was dark. I was sitting on the left side of the boat, with one elbow hanging over the window, with my head comfortably positioned on top on my arm - I'm looking forward towards the bow of the boat, then I'd pan around to take in the panoramic view of the lake and hill country - it's beautiful! Just like the moment I went swinging and felt the wind through my hair - I also felt the wind blowing through my hair at this moment, but with much greater strength, so much strength that it was drowning out most of the sounds on the boat that I didn't care to hear anyway.

There was something so serene about that moment.

My first battle was tuning out the drunkin' obnoxious noise (don't get me wrong, I had a few heiny-lite's myself) which took some time, then once the hint was taken, it was wonderful!

It seems these days I have trouble hearing much more than the sound of a pin dropping. Anything more gives me a feeling of suffocation - probably because, although I'm not saying much of anything - which makes it appear as though I'm not thinking - it sounds like a punk-rock concert in my head. It takes a lot to drown out a punk-rock concert when you're standing at the front-center of the stage.

Have you ever layed in bed - when no one is home - with an almost perfectly quiet house - but it seems louder than it did with people there?

It's like the noise of other people doing random things helps to drown out some of the thought process - and then they leave and all you can do is think and think and think and think and think...

...It gives my brain more room to think/analyze/re-analyze and so on - which makes the conversation in my head frickin' LOUD!

When I got home last night and put my drunkin' partner to bed I was putting my pj's on - thinking, "I don't know what I'm doing - and that's sad".

How do you get a piece of yourself back that you've lost? Is there a book for that? Would staying in my relationship help? Would leaving my relationship help? Would teaching overseas for a few months help? Would time alone help? Would time with people help? Would therapy help? Would getting a new job help? Would swinging on more swings or riding on more boats help?

Not sure.

Ok, I guess that was a peak into the heart, brains and body of me (at this time). I'm normally a glass-half-full type person - I'm not usually so sad sounding, but as soon as I figure out the perfect medicine to cure my ailment, I'll be back in business! 'Til then, see you on the lake! (or swings since they're easier to get to).

INFP - That's Me!

I just have to share...

There is a great site that offers a FREE comprehensive personality test (it almost writes a book about you). I found it incredibly interesting since it was 100% accurate (I thought anyway)!!

http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp
(link is also in the left margin of the blog)

I am categorized as an INFP personality. You might ask, what the hell does that mean (like I did), then I was told that I needed to Google "INFP" and it would pull a TON of information on that personality type - and it DID!! So much information I can't paste it all in this blog, for fear of boring you to tears. If you interested in seeing the full version, here are the links;

Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving (INFP)
http://typelogic.com/infp.html

Portrait of an INFP
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP.html

INFP Personal Growth
http://www.personalitypage.com/INFP_per.html

Here are my scores for the 4 areas I'm categorized under;

Introverted = 89
iNtuitive = 62
Feeling = 12
Perceiving = 11

Here's a small dose of what the links above said about me - dun, dun, dun...

THE IDEALIST (I agree already...haha!!)

As an INFP, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is external, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

INFP's more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place for people. Their primary goal is to find out their meaning in life. What is their purpose? How can they best serve humanity in their lives? They are idealists and perfectionists, who drive themselves hard in their quest for achieving the goals they have identified for themselves.

INFP's are highly intuitive about people. They rely heavily on their intuitions to guide them, and use their discoveries to constantly search for value in life. They are on a continuous mission to find the truth and meaning underlying things. Every encounter and every piece of knowledge gained gets sifted through the INFP's value system, and is evaluated to see if it has any potential to help the INFP define or refine their own path in life. The goal at the end of the path is always the same - the INFP is driven to help people and make the world a better place.

Generally thoughtful and considerate, INFP's are good listeners and put people at ease. Although they may be reserved in expressing emotion, they have a very deep well of caring and are genuinely interested in understanding people. This sincerity is sensed by others, making the INFP a valued friend and confidante. An INFP can be quite warm with people he or she knows well.

INFP's do not like conflict, and go to great lengths to avoid it. If they must face it, they will always approach it from the perspective of their feelings. In conflict situations, INFP's place little importance on who is right and who is wrong. They focus on the way that the conflict makes them feel, and indeed don't really care whether or not they're right. They don't want to feel badly. This trait sometimes makes them appear irrational and illogical in conflict situations. On the other hand, INFP's make very good mediators, and are typically good at solving other people's conflicts, because they intuitively understand people's persepectives and feelings, and genuinely want to help them.

INFP's are flexible and laid-back, until one of their values is violated. In the face of their value system being threatened, INFP's can become aggressive defenders, fighting passionately for their cause. When an INFP has adopted a project or job which they're interested in, it usually becomes a "cause" for them. Although they are not detail-oriented individuals, they will cover every possible detail with determination and vigor when working for their "cause".

(a snip-it below fit perfectly since I've always wanted to teach - and will be teaching overseas within the next year)

*INFP's also appear frequently in social service professions, such as counselling or teaching*

A WOOP WOOP!!

...THIS GOES ON AND ON AND ON...I'm telling you, it's so true! It's awesome to read something that describes you so well...it helps you define the way you react to life, people, events, etc.

You should really do yours! If you're not too bashful, you can comment and leave your 4 letter code as the comment, because I'd love to learn about you! Brandie, I know you'll definitely participate, you love these things as much as I do;)

Come on chickens! Lets see how YOU do on the test - haha! At least you can't fail - or maybe you can, haha!!

Strange Thought...

Yesterday Timothy and I went to Mt. Bonnell in hopes to see the oversized moon that is suppose to appear over the next couple of days- but it ended up being too cloudy to see it:(

...but it was still nice to get out of this cave I call home.

So we're driving home, heading down Mt. Bonnell Rd. to 2222 and as I'm watching us drive down this winding road my brain decides to have a totally random thought...

"that would suck to die today because I feel like there is something more to this life than what I've done up-to this point"...then I thought "whoa, where did that come from?- I've always felt satisfied with where I was in my life".

I mean;

I'm still young-ish
I almost, finally have my Bachelor's degree (after almost 7 years)
I've become a quilter (photo-quilts)
I'm learning piano (which I love)
I've been in a committed relationship for almost 9 years
I have a little dog (named Zena)
No kids (can't juggle school and kids - and now I'm thinking about getting my Master's)

Suddenly, all of those things that seemed so perfect are not that perfect anymore, it's crazy?

Before now, that was a fairly satisfying to have the american dream but now, I want to LIVE...like finish my degree - go teach English overseas for 6+ mos. - continue applying for roles in independent films, and anything else my lil' heart desires!

Anywho, just had to share my random thought - since my blog IS titled "Thoughts" - haha!

The Meaning?

I love tornadoes!!! Okay, maybe I don’t like them enough to rip my home apart, or my body for that matter – but I LOVE the adrenaline that gets pumped through my veins when an intense storm is coming through.

You’re probably thinking, well that’s a random topic for the blog, well not really since I had a dream last night where I was caught in the path of a nest of tornadoes…woohoo! I didn’t want to wake up – the dream was way too exciting to wake up and face the cruel world awaiting me :(

I guess Larry was at work archiving some of my files. Read an older blog is you don’t know Larry yet.

So I’m dreaming I’m with my mom (away from home) when all of a sudden I look out the window and see a dark blackish-blue sky all around us. I tell her “come on – we'd better head back to the house so we’ll be there before the storm hits”.

Then POOF! (Larry grabs the “we’re home” file) and now we’re standing at her front door and she’s crouched down trying to get the key in the keyhole – and I’m crouched behind her thinking “hurry, hurry” it's almost here! Then I look behind us and I see a HUGE twister only about 200 yards away!!

As I increasingly feel stressed, I stop to tell myself to take a deep breath and chill (that was a weird part to me – because I even talk to myself in my dreams…HAHAHA!!), so I take a deep breath, and let it out…ahhhhh – then WALAH the door opens! Then we rush in, close the door behind us and run for cover!

In the dream we were in a cellar (my mom doesn’t even have a cellar…haha!) and the tornado rips through the house, right over our heads - the noise it made was ear piercing, and we just kept crouching low and tight hoping that we wouldn't get sucked away! Then silence. We’re alive…that was AWESOME!!!

Come to find out Larry (the guy in my head) put a blanket over our heads instead of the cellar…haha!! Larry is goofy sometimes :)

So we remove the blanket from our heads…haha…and then I look out the window and I see three more tornadoes swirling in a group all over the open field outside! Holy shit! This, again…is AWESOME!!

Not sure what happened to those tornadoes (I guess Larry dropped the file)? – but – now all of the open land is flooded and rescue boats are cruising out to help all the people that are alive outside – swimming. Needless to say, we survived.

Tornado chasing - wouldn't that be fun!!

Here is what http://www.dreammoods.com/ thinks;

Tornadoes
To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the nexxt week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represents people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship.

Hmmmm…interesting.

“Okay kids, class is over - any questions on tornadoes or how jacked up Miss Tammy is?”

The Perfect Man

If you could pick only one person in this world to survive through the end of the world with - who would it be? I definitely know my answer!

Is there a special "one" person in your life that you will always hold on a pedestal,

...a person that you can't imagine living life without,

...a person that can bring tears to your eyes with only the thought of them,

...a person who makes you feel centered and at ease when they're around

...a person that loves McDonald's fish sandwiches as much as you do?

Well I definitely have that one person. My Dad!...the perfect man!

I may have a biased opinion since he is my father - but whatever the case he is my #1 love! If I was only allowed one person to trudge through life with, it would be him!! When people talk of unconditional love - that is exactly what we have.

I have put him through some tough times; like moving to Texas (from Michigan), having a crazy manipulative boyfriend that was introducing me to tons of "wrong" paths for about 4 years, etc. - but I thank him for being there for me and listening to my stories no matter how much he loved or hated hearing them. He has definitely always been there when I've needed him most!

He has worked so hard for his family and has provided us with the stability a family needs to grow and become successful! Even if he wasn't completely satisfied with the way things were going, he never gave up on the family!

My dad is a HUGE sports fan - so much so, that he and my sports finatic grandmother put me in hockey when I was 4 yrs. old...haha!! You should see the picture of me in my hockey gear - it's hilarious! I was the first child of my father's and everyone was anticipating a boy (with the name Reed...yuck...glad I was a girl...haha!), then I popped out and they thought - that'll work, just give her a hockey stick, skates and a helmet, she'll be fine! Well, until I busted my lip a half a dozen times on the metal chair I was pushing around the ice rink...haha! I would've rather learned to be the zamboni driver than the skater (don't know what a zamboni is - look it up). Needless to say, my hockey career abruptly ended. Lucky me, my dad had a son (Ryan) about 7 years later and he's been in hockey since he was 2 yrs. old (he's 21 now)...so my dad got his boy;)

I can also give him credit for making me ambidextrous (using both hands). I was born a lefty so I do all articulate activities with my left hand (writing, eating, etc.) but because my dad was always teaching/playing sports with me and since he is right-handed, I would copy his form in throwing baseballs, footballs, etc. which has made me right-handed in almost every sport (except shooting pool...I'm ambidextrous when I play pool - oooo, I must be good then, huh?...haha!).

Anywho, I was just thinking last night in bed, that if I could have one dream fulfilled (besides teaching English overseas) what would it be? - and it is most definitely to have my father closer than 1200-1400 miles away. If I could have any wish it would be to wish him to Texas!!!

Dad, this is for you (even though you don't know to read my blog...haha!)

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!